they slowly turn into question marks
big question marks that float in space
I stay pinned to my reality and just watch them
wait for them to make a move
cannot predict when, where, or if
and even more scared to try to predict
they started off as promises
and then I realized whatever was promised upon has been cursed
poisoned
so I start seeing them for who they really are and all they can really be
question marks
firgureless facts made from probabilities and blind chances
I used to blame them, and maybe I still do
but I know now that it's out of hand
it terrifies me the most that I might not accompany them on their journey
for I myself have no journey
I came to define my existence through theirs
how and what will I be in the face of solitude?
I live for them and nothing else
I wish I could become one with them and never be a seperate me

stand next to me with open arms and stretched eyelids,
offer our bodies a sacrifice to the sea.
when the lightness of a feather
is heavier than the weight of your soul,
rest assured you are peace
and you have found your way home.
the sand on our skin will scrub away the shame,
the engraved memories of pain.
and the sounds of the greedy world behind us
won't be heard underwater and above earth.

you think you know how it feels?
I don't think you do
do you cry so much that you scream your lungs out and you feel them sore?
do you cry your eyes out so much that you lose your sight and can only see tears if anything at all?
do you cry so much that your heart starts shrinking so badly that you b e l i e v e you just died for a few seconds?
you don't cry till you start talking gibberish!
you do not cry as if someone had just cut out a part of you and run away with it.
you do not cry feeling your strings getting cut and your skin being torn
you do not cry like you're having an epileptic fit
no, you do not feel your heart throb
nor those knives stabbing it
you do not cry and feel like you're about to throw up at the same time,
feeling that aweful tornado inside of you
how could you ever tell me that you know how it feels?

inhale
hold
exhale
....
When I used to sigh
All the weight on my chest would disappear
If only for a moment
Somehow it doesn't feel the same anymore
what is this heaviness made of?
'Cause I can't seem to shake it off

Winter is here and I can only think of that sad song
I try every day, but I can only see that I'm failing
Am I destined to be like this?
Do I live on my own bitterness?
I try and try, but this feeling is pervasive

I dream of green grass and blue skies
but when a sweet flower cuts my skin
My soul never seems to stop bleeding

I think you liked me more when I didn't care
where did my apathy go?
after I vowed not to care or be surprised?
now it feels like you wish I was a switch you can turn off when you have so much to do and turn on when you're ready to live
you say, "I'm sorry I ruined your life"
at least have the decency to be a man and say
that you will not let go or break this off untill you at least make it up to me
untill you fix your mistakes
untill you set things straight
you're not a kid,
you can't just walk away from the damage you've caused
you can't walk away without fixing things
apologies are not made of "i'm sorry" only
I don't want your regret or self-pity
I want you to truely apologize

It stabs me in the heart when you say those words!
"it's obvious.. everything between us has ended"
you're not fighting these words!
you're not resisting this feeling!
Who are you?
you lost yourself and you're about to lose me too
I sometimes think to myself, after crying my eyes out,
how sweet it'd be to get back at you,
to let go of you in such a cruel way
but I love you
and I can never hurt you like this
I wish you felt the same way
I wish you haven't changed into this selfish, heartless man

if only i had the reflector of truth
I'd put it right before your eyes
then i'd use it to reflect some light into my eyes
into my soul
I'm starting to feel numb
I need you to lift me up
'cause you're bringing me down

I'll tell you why I'm upset.
it's harder than I thought.. feels like I'm trying to do a research paper.
It's a Thursday. You're home early. I'm alone. I thought you'd just at least ask. I thought you'd just at least tell me that you want it.
I feel so frustrated. I don't want to be the one asking everytime.
But I want it. and I miss you. and I miss that feeling.
You don't even mention it anymore.
You don't tell me that you want it. want me.
I'll tell you why I'm hurt.
we both know that our time is running out.
you're going away in a couple of months.
I'm staying.
our time is running out.
there won't be an "us".
yet still.. you don't even want to spend this much time left with me.
you're too busy chasing your dream.
well, good for you.

I understand the pain I endure when you leave
I hate the pain you make me go through when we fight
But the pain that I do not understand is the sweet pain of your love
Your kiss hurts, your voice hurts.. your smiles hurts
Seeing true love shining in your beautiful eyes makes my heart ache
Tears start rolling when you hold me in your arms
You hurt me in such a bittersweet way
I never knew I could love the feeling of pain

 I once dreamed of becoming a painter

Owning all colors around my thumb

The deep striking honesty of their beauty

Threw me off speechless and numb

Like being on a wild spinning ride

Sight covering all surroundings yet no picture is made out of it

 

do you ever wonder how is it everywhere but nowhere
do you sit on the floor and look at it
in the wake of bottled memories
choking in front of you
I want to stare out of my window
green and blue
it is quite effortless to feel this way
I will sing
it will sway to the rhythm of my breath
everywhere and nowhere