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I don't like it when i'm lying in bed with the lights off.
something's rushing through my blood.. in my blood.. with my blood..
1, 2 hours for the sun?
can't shut my eyes..
faces blind..
words replay..
humming, speaking, screaming.
my world, I'm home.
it's one of those days when reality decides to slap you wake up..
they treat you as a kid, but expect you to react as a grown up..
they know you're an adult, but they assume you'll act childishly..
"people this.. people that.."
well, people think shit, say shit, and are just full of shit.
why should i be bothered? why should it matter?
yay, i'm a girl. yay, i've got all eyes on me. yay, it's pretty much fucked up and so much fun!
- Music:Avenged Sevenfold
yea, he makes me happy. he makes me smile.
is he worth?
i hate this question, but i got no time for hate.
yea he makes me love. he makes me rush.
yea, he's confusing me. he's getting me.
but yea, i can manage. i can manage.
- Mood:
calm - Music:staind
where do they get their looks from?
how hollow that could be..
i hear the walls humming their names,
but no bells ring inside my head..
and no bells ring for me.
- Music:the fray
I try.
Then I draw the same conclusion each and every time.
No, you shouldn’t be yourself around everyone.
I tried.
No, people don’t, people can’t accept the different ways others are.
Too much diversity for one’s brain, one’s heart.
And if sophisticated is the word, then I hope it doesn’t matter to you,
anymore than it does to me.
the smell of smoke
and i still feel 17
the chance of a Head is the chance of a Tail
no i can't choose a name
i can't glass my see-through light
nor can i aim
- Music:honestly OK
she spoke to me with declaring eyes.
their revealing light stronger than the words her lips whispered.
and i wondered.. what could my eyes have been confiding.. whenever i spoke of you?
- Music:dido - my life
i think i'm over it then i realize that that proves i'm not.. yet.
i take a minute to breathe some air in..
i decide that this is it and then i find myself cursing the whole thing.
i'm okay. i'm OK.
i hate how pathetic and silly i become when this reoccurs.
i'm gonna delete this crap one day..
and that there's no point in seeking on
that's when i couragously stand before you
before your eyes
and say, "True.. oh so true"
the weeping song of my sad brownish ones
the ashes of a daring dream that screams through them
the silent coldness that brushes my skin
all will leave you with one story
one that should not be told anymore
well.. yesterday i witnessed a miracle.
it's been 2 years and 8 months since his death.
yesterday, i dreamed of him, and he said something to me. but after the conversation with a friend , and after staying up all night thinking of eveything that happened in those 2 years and 8 months, i understood the message of that dream. he was saying to me that it's time to let him go and move on with my life.
i couldn't sleep, i watched the dawn, and the sunrise, they were so magical. what a blissful day.
and today, i complete my 7 long years. the curse is broken.
and the strange wonderful thing that also happened, i found dry leaves and petals under my pillow, and i have no idea where they came from. but i understand the sign sent from God, it's time to put flowers on his grave and pray he rests in peace.
- Mood:
high
i have a feeling.. that i've been looking for you in the wrong places.. with the wrong name.. and the wrong expectation.
i've gone too far..
so much that i can't tell such a story.
Denial..
.. it's your weapon.
... against myself.
how come?
denying who i am and how i feel inside simply breaks me.
i've gone too far..
so much that i've written whole books.
Fire..
.. burn all these words and all the memories.
are you suggesting killing a part of me?
these are not mere justified words..
.. it's personal, it's healing.
but i know that i've gone too far..
so much that i've lied a thousand lies.
Reveal then..
.. nothing's better than the truth.
sometimes, facing yourself is the key to set your soul free.
how i wish to have such bravery.
i don't even write his name anymore...
cause i've gone too far..
so much that i can't feel.
that screams my lungs out
and scratches.. so hard and so deep
wounds untie and the bruises bleed ..
...the moment i glance your tears.
there's no way out.
you mean there's no way in.
both.
there's no way in to him..
to exist in his life, and walk into his world.
and no way out of what?
of me.
my feelings, my fears, my heart & soul.. my past.
your life doesn't revolve around him.
true, but he's certainly not subtitled.
he's the reason behind pretty much everything.
i grew up on him..
feeding on thoughts and dreams of him..
maintaining such faith and hope..
he's somehow what made me and what breaks me over and over again.
you look so pale. he's consuming you.
i know.
i wish he knew.
what could have happened then?
are you sure he'd feel the same?
no.. but i do feel a connection.he's my soulmate. but..
is it mutual?
...
this morning was so blissful..
if only he was by my side.
everyone's going to sleep. shouldn't you do the same?
not now.. it will be in vain anyway.
i'm restless.. i can't wash his face away.
* lights go off *
you can say.
words scratch gently,
but the bruises never heal.
you can defend.
words are a perfect sword,
that never holds blood... nor guilt.
give me a window where green meadows stretch infinitely
give me a window where a sea is always sky blue, always playing a song on scattered rocks
mine is shattered.
a window where coupled hearts wear the faces of us
a window where vanities die and chains melt down
mine is battered.
- Music:rob costlow
a moment of interval death
visions blur, sounds sink
and i ascend gradually to higher heavens
where you lean closer... closer...
closer.
then immediately avoid scratching my fragile entity
and with frozen blue hands i approach your vanishing figure
try to get hold of your perfumed skin
. . .
lights blind, voices rise
no one seems to notice my horrified eyes.
Wake up.
it's night again.
sometimes i read my name,
but don't feel familiar with.
and sometimes i stare at the sky till i feel blind,
but it doesn't feel bad..
it only hurts a bit.
it's been so long.. still it feels like one blink.
while i've been feeling stuck on the same day.
so what if i died now?
time is so mind-consuming.
i'm approaching insanity
i wanna scream for apathy!
sleep.. my body's yearning
hide the truth of insomniac nights when they pass you by
is it worth it? is it? is it? is it?
it is you said
it was a discovery
remember the day?
i wanna scream for apathy!
blood is rushing through your veins
you're alive
breathe air, not him
enough drugs.. this time it's beyond dying
why don't you try acting naturally.. cry?!
i wanna scream for apathy!
my sick mentality!
no it's not.. it's just a rush
he's such a rush
that lasted for seven so far?
it's white, it's empty
it's worthless useless crap
i wrote him a thousand letters
and tore each one a thousand pieces
he never got anything
they were blank
he leaves me with blank expressions
he drank the ink
no, i sucked it all in
can't you see my veins.. of crystal grey?
i'm the victim, i'm the criminal, the crime and the punishment
do you even mean a word?
i mean every word i wrote to him
they were blank
i wanna scream for apathy
blank is dumb
no, it's telepathy
it's a code created by one and can only be understood by one's self
he's supposed to be me
by what means?
that i dream of him
live with him
know him by heart
love him unconditionly
and feel what he's going through by mere sense
it's not what you think
it's all in my head, but it still exists
are we taking so long to get you to stop?
the rush is never stopping
he's...
it's going down! the papers soon won't be attached
is it a sign you're saying?
i'm not sure
i wanna scream...!
i left it blank.. i never sent it
i'm such a coward
it wouldn't matter anyway
and the 1000 000th signs i've got so far?
no idea
green or red?
green or red?
GREEN OR RED???
